Date: 03-12-2024
A Good Day
Alright.
Today was a good day.
I don’t know how many of these videos I’ve done on good days, so I’m trying to be more mindful about that—recording the good days and what makes them good.
Although I don’t get paid much, and I am working for somebody six years younger than me, I’m actually enjoying my new job with Roman and Ernie. Ernie is the cameraman. Roman is the boss.
Roman really appreciates my contribution to the company. He is enthusiastic about me and working with him. I feel valued, and that feels good—the simple little things.
Today I went into the office and worked for a bit. I wrote a couple of outlines for some video shoots that we have coming up, and then I edited some footage. Roman and I went to sushi for lunch.
On Small Choices and Rambling Thoughts
However, I am no longer eating raw sushi.
I didn’t ever really eat it very often at all—I think I’ve only had it a couple times in my life, most recently when Lexi insisted that I try it, and it wasn’t bad.
But then Pam told me about—she’s a microbiologist—and she told me that raw sushi, if it’s not kept at the right temperature, whatever—frozen properly—thin—
(spider on my wall)
it can develop parasites very quickly, and they’re very bad for you, obviously.
So that’s just disgusting.
So I’m no longer gonna eat raw sushi.
I don’t know why I’m rambling about that.
Good Days and Depth
On good days, it takes more effort to get to the heart of where I am.
Isn’t that interesting?
It’s like I’m more shallow on good days.
And that would be why suffering is so valuable.
In this suffering season, I have found that it’s pain that keeps me close to reality, to truth, and to what is meaningful.
Self Mastery
This morning my intention for the day was one word:
self mastery.
I guess that’s two words, but if you hyphen them together, it’s kind of one.
I would like to get my mind back to where it was—if this is possible—before social media, before it got trampled on by the internet and bombarded by information.
I would like to simplify and clarify my thought processes.
I would like to be very intentional with my mind and what I put in it.
Throughout the day, the word self mastery kept coming up. There are so many little moments—checking my phone, checking notifications—checking, checking, checking.
Every time I go to do that, I remind myself: I’m practicing self mastery, and I don’t want to continue this habit.
It’s like a constant need for little micro validations. I don’t want that. I don’t want to need that. It’s an addiction, and I didn’t realize it.
I haven’t been very active on social media in a long time, but it’s not even just that—it’s emails and messages. I’ll randomly keep checking them. Why? It’s so crazy.
Attention and Presence
They say what you measure grows. I’m not sure if that’s exactly what this is, but it applies.
When you start paying attention to something, it amplifies in your mind. Paying attention to how often I check my phone has made it clear how divided my attention is at any given time.
I really want to be present for whatever it is I’m doing.
I imagine that once I get to that place, I’ll be more effective in my life—better in my work, in my relationships, in all of my pursuits, in my creativity.
Right now, my mind feels fragmented. Distracted.
It’s just me. I’m not talking to anyone. Even though I get distracted thinking about whether somebody will watch this.
I just want to be present.
Really present.
Remembering Who I Was
For the longest time, I refused to get a smartphone. In my early 20s, when they were coming out, I saw everybody glued to their phones and thought, I don’t want that.
So I resisted. I had one of those uncool flip phones.
Then during college, Josh offered to trade me his iPhone. I don’t know why it benefited him, but we traded. And I justified it—dictionary, calculator, flashlight—all these things in one. For the sake of simplicity and minimalism, it seemed fine.
There’s nothing wrong with a cell phone. I just didn’t know I’d get sucked into social media. I barely even used Facebook at first.
Looking back at my old journals from my early 20s, I remember being clearer in my thinking. More focused. More present.
I was present in my relationships and in the everyday small wonders I’ve missed for a long time.
Wonder
I was immersed in a world of wonder in my early 20s that I’d like to return to.
Everything was magical. I wrote about roses dancing in front of my window. I could hear the Mockingbird at night—he became my nighttime companion when everyone else was asleep.
Now, I might be scrolling on my phone and not hear a Mockingbird at all.
So many details I miss.
I’ve been paying close attention to the sky. The desert sunsets are vivid and beautiful. The birds are few—ravens, seagulls, and the occasional yellow-bellied finch.
I appreciate the birds. I miss the cardinals and blue jays of Oklahoma, and those little scissor tails.
Why I’m Here
I’m beginning to see the purpose of my time here with grandma. It became clear in Bible study—the first time I was truly present.
I used to tune out. Once, I even fell asleep. But this time, I was pulled into the conversation. Kathy called me out for never asking for prayer. She said they wanted to see the desires of my heart fulfilled.
I love that.
I prayed for increased faith and guidance.
But the real insight was this: I’m surrounded by amazing women. Honest women. Women who bring everything back to their own lives. I get to learn so much wisdom that cost them dearly to gain.
Eloise said that after enough seasons, you trust that God will come through. Trust becomes easy.
I’m not there yet—but it’s encouraging to know that someday, I might be.
Love as Action
Later that day, Mom was having a really bad day—deep fear, on the edge. I thought it would help if grandma called her and said, “I love you. You’re going to be okay.”
That’s agape love—loving even when it’s hard. love as action, not feeling.
Grandma did call. And this time, she really tried. She shared that she herself was never shown much love by her Mom. It was a conversation they needed.
Her posture toward Mom changed. And I believe part of that is because she sees love lived out—me being here, imperfectly practicing it.
That gives my words weight.
Surrender
This season has been painful. Humbling. It’s required more patience than I thought I had.
But if what comes from it is reconciliation between Mom and grandma before she passes—that’s priceless.
This is not of my doing. It’s a surrender to God’s will. Not something I planned. More like collaborating.
I don’t want to be here. But I know I’m meant to be here.
This has challenged everything I believed about success. I’ve fallen far from where I once was—money, status—but in other ways, I’m growing.
What Truly Matters
What’s valuable in the spirit is so different from what’s valuable in the world.
Humility is learned through experience. It requires dying to your own desires.
Manifestation culture talks about wanting and having—but in real suffering, loss, and grief, none of that matters.
What matters is character. wisdom. truth. The ability to love.
Those are the things I desire at the deepest level—beneath conditioning from society.
And I think many of us do.
Gratitude
That’s my good day.
I’m grateful—for the self control I’m learning, for crawling out of my hole, for the gratitude that’s returning.
What a hole that was.
What invaluable treasures I found there.
I will never forget this season of my life.
Never.